Book Review: Surrounded by Narcissists – Thomas Erikson

This is another book about GoGetter/Hustlers that I have just finished.  Thomas Erikson is a Swedish behavioural expert, active lecturer, and bestselling author. He has carved out a niche as the author of the Surrounded by… book series and sold over 10 million books. For more than twenty years he has been traveling all over Europe delivering lectures and seminars to executives and managers at a wide range of companies, including IKEA, Coca Cola, Microsoft, and Volvo.

Surrounded by Idiots has been a Swedish runaway bestseller since it was first published in 2014. It has sold over 3 million copies worldwide and been translated into 42 languages.

Surrounded by Narcissists is a recent book (2022) and uses a lot of material from Surrounded by Psychopaths (2020).

The book is divided into 4 Parts:

Part I: Narcissism: A Brief Introduction

Introduction: The Narcissist Next Door

Thomas Erikson opens with the recognition that narcissism is no longer a rare personality quirk—it has become a cultural epidemic. Social media, hyper-individualism, and the valorisation of self-promotion have created environments where narcissistic behaviour not only thrives but is often rewarded.

He distinguishes between:

Clinical Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) – relatively rare, diagnosable, psychiatric condition.

Everyday Narcissism – a spectrum of traits like self-absorption, manipulativeness, lack of empathy, and an inflated sense of self-importance.

His book is less about diagnosing people, and more about recognising patterns of behaviour so readers can protect themselves and manage relationships more effectively.

1. Charm and Manipulation

Narcissists begin with charm. They are skilled at mirroring desires and making others feel special—until they no longer serve a purpose. Once trust is established, manipulation begins.

Erikson outlines the tactics:

Gaslighting – denying or twisting facts to destabilise others.

Triangulation – playing people against each other to maintain control.

Love-bombing and devaluation – alternating between praise and criticism to keep others dependent.

2. Control of Narratives

Narcissists thrive by controlling stories and perceptions. They rarely admit fault, often recast themselves as victims, and project blame outward. Their “truth” shifts depending on what best protects their ego.

3. Weaponizing Weaknesses

They are keen observers of human nature, spotting vulnerabilities quickly. Anxieties, insecurities, or desires thatcan all be used to gain leverage.

Part II: Part II. Narcissism: An In-Depth Look

Erikson integrates narcissism into his four-colour behavioural model (DISA/DISC):

Red (Dominant) – competitive, decisive, commanding. (7MTF: Hi Politician)

Yellow (Inspiring) – social, enthusiastic, optimistic. (Hi Socialiser/Mover)

Green (Stable) – calm, loyal, harmony-seeking. (Hi Doublechecker)

Blue (Analytical) – detail-oriented, cautious, rule-bound. (Hi Engineer and Hi Regulator/Normal)

Narcissism Across Colours

Red Narcissists – classic domineering types: authoritarian bosses, aggressive partners. They bulldoze and intimidate.

Yellow Narcissists – charming manipulators: social butterflies who crave attention, gossip, and drama.

Green Narcissists – passive-aggressive controllers: appear modest but resist change, guilt-trip, and smother autonomy.

Blue Narcissists – hyper-critical perfectionists: they wield rules and logic to belittle others, insist on superiority, and use cold detachment.

The key insight: narcissism does not belong to a single personality type. It manifests differently depending on temperament.

The7MTFsays Narcissism is part of the Dark Triad which in turn is incorporated into the GoGetter/Hustler Temperament Trait.

Part III. How to Handle Narcissists

1. In the Workplace

Narcissists in leadership exploit colleagues, take credit, and foster toxic competition. They prefer sycophants to competent equals. Over time, morale collapses, creativity declines, and high turnover results.

2. In Families and Friendships

They often create imbalanced dynamics: one person sacrifices while the narcissist takes. Gaslighting and blame-shifting erode self-confidence, leaving victims questioning their worth.

3. In Romantic Relationships

Narcissists cycle between idealisation (“love-bombing”) and devaluation. Partners feel alternately worshipped and worthless. This emotional rollercoaster fosters dependency, making it hard to leave.

4. On Society

Social media amplifies narcissism—followers, likes, and curated images fuel endless self-promotion. Erikson argues society risks rewarding toxic traits (manipulation, selfishness) over empathy and cooperation.

Recognising and Protecting Yourself

1. Red Flags to Watch For

Conversations dominated by them.

Overreaction to criticism.

Lack of genuine curiosity about others.

Sudden withdrawal of affection when not getting their way.

A pattern of broken relationships and blaming others.

2. Why People Get Hooked

Narcissists often mirror what you want: security, admiration, attention. They offer validation at first, then withdraw it, creating dependency. This “intermittent reinforcement” is psychologically powerful, similar to gambling.

3. Building Defences

Erikson stresses: you can’t change a narcissist—but you can change your response.

Set clear boundaries and stick to them.

Don’t engage in endless arguments—facts won’t win.

Keep emotional distance where possible.

Build a strong support network outside the narcissist’s influence.

Part IV. A Narcissistic Culture

Erikson makes a nuanced point: not all narcissism is destructive. A degree of self-confidence, self-promotion, and ambition is necessary for survival and success. He calls this “healthy narcissism.”

The problem arises when self-interest eclipses empathy, leading to exploitation and harm. Toxic narcissism is defined not just by self-focus but by the systematic devaluing of others.

Strategies for Each Colour:

Using his colour framework, Erikson gives specific advice:

Dealing with Red Narcissists – Don’t compete head-on; be firm, concise, and respectful of their need for control.

With Yellow Narcissists – Don’t get swept up in their charm; stay factual and grounded.

With Green Narcissists – Recognise passive manipulation; don’t be guilt-tripped. Push for clarity.

With Blue Narcissists – Avoid endless justifications; present facts once and disengage.

The message: customise your defence depending on the narcissist’s “colour.”

Breaking Free and Moving Forward:

Erikson acknowledges that leaving a narcissist—whether boss, partner, or family member—can be extremely difficult. Fear, guilt, and manipulation create strong binds. But recognising the cycle is the first step.

He encourages readers to:

Rebuild self-esteem slowly, through small wins.

Surround themselves with empathetic, supportive people.

Reflect on why they tolerated narcissistic abuse, to avoid repetition.

Most importantly, he emphasises self-awareness. The more you understand your own temperament (your “colour”), the harder it is for narcissists to manipulate you.

Conclusion: Light in the Darkness

The book closes with guarded optimism. Narcissism isn’t going away, but by naming it, mapping it, and arming yourself, you can reclaim agency.

Erikson insists that empathy, cooperation, and mutual respect remain powerful counterforces. Society may reward narcissists in the short term, but true fulfilment comes from authentic connection, not exploitation.

Key Takeaways

Narcissism exists on a spectrum—from healthy self-regard to toxic abuse.

Different personalities exhibit narcissism in unique ways.

Narcissists manipulate through charm, control, and exploitation of vulnerabilities.

You cannot change them; you can only set boundaries, protect yourself, and disengage.

Understanding your own temperament is crucial to recognising when you’re being manipulated.

A culture that rewards superficiality (social media, status obsession) risks amplifying narcissism at scale.

The antidote is awareness, empathy, and authentic relationships.

My conclusion

It is a useful book and a good supplement to the 7MTF Temperament model.  The 4 Colours (DISC) model is too simplistic.  Reading the book with the eyes of the 7MTF model makes it a lot easier.

In Chapter 27 Erikson describes the NPI-40 test which you should do before you start reading the book.  I have put up a version of the test on my website.  Do the test, send me the result and your mailing address and I will send you a copy of The Humm Handbook.

For more information watch this 4-minute video introduction to the 7MTF.  If that whets you appetite sign up to my Introduction to the 7MTF online-video course that takes only 5 hours to complete and an investment of only A$25.  The 7MTF model of temperament is the secret to lifting your emotional intelligence.  If you complete the basic 7MTF course you will dramatically increase your EQ competency in days.

Or if you want a more personal touch where you and I meet on-line for six coaching sessions read what is offered here.

Finally, if you enjoyed this article create a backlink from your website or LinkedIn profile and I will send you a free hard copy (RRP A$20) of The Humm Handbook: Lifting your level of Emotional Intelligence when you send me the backlink and your mailing address.